Anonymous, from help.com:

I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I feel like I am cracking under the pressure.

I really don’t know where to turn or what to do, because I’m not allowed to show any weakness, and I have to keep a poker face with everyone in my life. I am a wife of a US Army soldier, the mother of 2 beautiful children, and a daughter whom has taken care of her father since she was 9 years old. These people rely on me for every need, but lately I feel as if I cannot rely on myself. I’m questioning my ability to keep going in life. This is very out of character for me, and started when I found out my father had lung cancer, had to watch him have a lung removed , and take care of him through chemo. With really no outside help to speak of. Not even moral support. All while my husband whom I’ve never spent one night alone from him in the 13 1/2yrs, left to train for the US Army. Those are the big headlines of why I am cracking under pressure, but believe me when I say there are allot of underlying fire pokers in the pot, that just make my wounds feel worse. I just need someone insightful , caring and of a level headed , non judgmental mind to talk to. That I can be completely honest with. But alas , I look around and nothing. Thoughts of running away, getting in an on purpose car accident, or taking a bottle of pills have taken over my mind. I haven’t been able to focus on my children and be the mother I once was , but yet I love them so dearly. So my neglect is haunting me horribly, I feel like a failure. If i can’t keep strong , be a good role model, get this pain out of my heart, why should I even stick around, to end up being a bad role model? I am just so completely spent and miss my husband more than any words I could type here can convey. But if i show that to certain members of my family, I am branded a “wuss”. Got to keep that poker face. I am so hurt by watching the only parent I ever had spiral down hill health wise, all the while not really putting much effort into helping himself. Its like even he has given up. I live in a very small town. Going to the local facilities to try and pay for counseling would red flag me and people would take notice. With everything going on in my current life I don’t even have a minute to myself.

This open post was written 52 minutes ago | V/U/S: 41, 6, 7 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Under Pressure, Level Headed, lung cancer, questioning, small town, Underlying, role model, Poker Face, Completely, One Night (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)
Replies (6)

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ticdoffus offline Verified User (1 week) Shouts: 11 #
An Unknown Location | 44 minutes ago (7 minutes after post)

i don’t envy you. cousinling would be the best thing you could do right now…really…
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i don't envy you. cousinling would be the best thing you could do right now...really...
Anonymous #
44 minutes ago (7 minutes after post)

you’re in a rough place, but it’s not the end of the world. you need to find a way to cope and find yourself some time. You are so busy taking care of everyone else in your life, you’re letting the stress hormones take you over. Find yourself a therapist- someone who can listen and advise.
Baring that, find a support group. you’re not alone in this situation. there’s military spouse support groups, mother’s groups, caretaker groups… find one you can talk to.

take some time for yourself. you deserve it.
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you're in a rough place, but it's not the end of the world. you need to find a way to cope and find yourself some time. You are so busy taking care of everyone else in your life, you're letting the stress hormones take you over. Find yourself a therapist- someone who can listen and advise. Baring that, find a support group. you're not alone in this situation. there's military spouse support groups, mother's groups, caretaker groups... find one you can talk to. take some time for yourself. you deserve it.
bobosnickums offline Verified User (3 years, 9 months) Help.com Volunteer Moderator Long Term User Shouts: 29 #
An Undisclosed Location | 43 minutes ago (8 minutes after post)

who says you have to keep a poker face?
really, whats the worst that can happen if you dare to show someone you are hurting? they call you a wuss? so what. theyre just words.
who cares what someone thinks of you if you go to counseling, its your life, not theirs. id rather get happy and have a few narrowminded twats who i dont even care about think i was a wuss, than spend my whole life isolated and unhappy for the sake of what they think.
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who says you have to keep a poker face? really, whats the worst that can happen if you dare to show someone you are hurting? they call you a wuss? so what. theyre just words. who cares what someone thinks of you if you go to counseling, its your life, not theirs. id rather get happy and have a few narrowminded twats who i dont even care about think i was a wuss, than spend my whole life isolated and unhappy for the sake of what they think.
Help me with: Hi all,
Docteur Ralph online Verified User (2 years, 5 months) Long Term User Shouts: 51 #
An Unknown Location | 35 minutes ago (16 minutes after post)

Being a military wife is harder than being in the military. It takes a very special kind of person. You are that person. I know you feel miserable and the weight of the world IS on your shoulders. I wish I could give you a great big hug. I wish someone there would do it for me. Thank you for your service to our country… there is a special place in heaven for people like you, and I believe God has a reward for you while you yet live.
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Being a military wife is harder than being in the military. It takes a very special kind of person. You are that person. I know you feel miserable and the weight of the world IS on your shoulders. I wish I could give you a great big hug. I wish someone there would do it for me. Thank you for your service to our country... there is a special place in heaven for people like you, and I believe God has a reward for you while you yet live.
aem7kcm offline Unverified User #
An Unknown Location | 31 minutes ago (20 minutes after post)

First, stop and take a break. Just breathe slowly and let your body enjoy the break.

Next, forget the big picture for awhile ( your h, your dad, etc.) Just give it a reast - a day, a week, whatever.

Then, during this interval, just try focusing on little stuff: like getting your girls their meals, getting them ready for school, washing, cooking, i.e. the everyday ordinary stuff.

I think you just need to take a big break; life isn’t going to go away and nothing is going to fall apart while you just chill for a while. And you have us internet to talk to.
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators
First, stop and take a break. Just breathe slowly and let your body enjoy the break. Next, forget the big picture for awhile ( your h, your dad, etc.) Just give it a reast - a day, a week, whatever. Then, during this interval, just try focusing on little stuff: like getting your girls their meals, getting them ready for school, washing, cooking, i.e. the everyday ordinary stuff. I think you just need to take a big break; life isn't going to go away and nothing is going to fall apart while you just chill for a while. And you have us internet to talk to.
jackman200 online Unverified User #
An Unknown Location | 3 minutes ago (48 minutes after post)

Listen you sound like you need to stop being so bloody perfect. If you pop a bottle of pills then everyone will know you had a problem. So F****ng what, you’re only human. Listen its better to be made of iron than steel, steel may be stronger but it doesn’t bend. we need to be able to bend.

Stop trying to be all things to all people.

think of you. If you don’t, then there will be a damaged you , no good to anyone.

think about it.

Love

Jack